“How it works” is read before every Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. In the first paragraph honesty is mentioned three times. This straightforward paragraph imparts the solution for character change. The key is that real effective change demands “rigorous honesty”; and anyone can change for the better if they have the “capacity to be honest” with themselves!

Now maybe you cannot relate to drinking or the abuse of drugs but you most definitely have lied to yourself. We all have, for whatever reason, avoided the truth so as to protect our warped view of ourselves. Usually it is pride or wanting to escape legitimate suffering that keeps us from seeing what is truly real.

We all have issues! Maybe you never lived on the streets homeless but something in your life could stand a little improvement. Even if you cannot relate to being a alcoholic in the following stories look at the similarities and not the differences and just maybe the light bulb will start to glow.

About 16 years ago I wrapped my Mercedes around a parked Cadillac in North Hollywood. It was about 3am and all the Hispanic neighbors on the block came out of their houses, in their underwear no less, to yell at me. Of course I was too drunk to understand them even if I did speak Spanish. I waited 40 minutes for LAPD to arrive and arrest me and I blew a .28. That is over three times the legal limit and close to alcohol poisoning. The two officers where shocked because I was very coherent so they retested me thinking the breathalyzer was broken. It wasn’t! Over the years I developed a high tolerance for drugs and alcohol. 

At the time I had one of the best criminal lawyers in LA on retainer so I was able to get off with a $2,000 fine, DUI classes and I was court ordered to attend AA meetings. I also profited $6,000 on the insurance after lawyer and court fees which I used to buy cocaine and blew most of it in a weekend.

I hated AA. It was the worst. I picked a meeting that was close to work so I could go during lunch. On the wall they had plaques of the 12 Steps and for some reason I would focus on the 3rd Step which is: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. I also stayed sober for a week while going to these meetings but I was still lying to myself. I thought I had my life together. Who needed this these people are dumb!

Fast forward about one year and I am sitting in a doctor’s office shaking uncontrollably and practically in tears.  I had progressed to a $300 a day drug habit. I was in really bad shape emotionally, physically and spiritually! I can remember the doctor even looked scared like I was about to die. I was! He told me that I should go away for 90 days, which is a typical rehab stay and suggested a few places.

I remember getting angry. Go away for 90 days? Doesn’t he know all the “stuff” I have going on? How important I am? I can’t go away! I’ll just get sober on my own I told myself. 90 days is far too long for a busy important person like me! Ha!

It was not very long until I lost everything and everyone! I ended up living in a park in Hollywood homeless and hopeless. I spent 6 months in a homeless shelter and then a year in the Dream Center’s discipleship program. It was not until another 7 years passed that I moved out of the Dream Center. I figure I spent 9 years where if I was honest with myself I might have found sobriety a lot sooner; with a lot less sacrifice and pain.

The point I am trying to make here is that it really was not the drugs that took me down. It was my warped view of myself and the rationalizing of my actions! If I honestly saw what I had become I just could not handle the truth so I distorted my perceptions. Yes, the drugs helped escalate the process but it was my own thoughts and choices that were the root cause.

Like attracts like so I also associated with people that would reinforce these lies! They would tell me what I wanted to hear! I am sure I helped them with their own tainted realities

Today because of God’s grace my problem is no longer drinking and drugs. However, my problem is still living! What I mean by that is I constantly have to check my perceptions against what is real. Not what I think is real, not what you think is real but what is real in God’s eyes.

There are always three realities. What you see, what I see and what is real. The last is God’s reality and if you truly seek Him you will find the real truth.

Usually it is my stubborn pride; or my wanting to escape legitimate suffering that whacks my perceptions.

“What if – I am wrong?” Playing pretend and asking myself that question helps me get my perceptions realigned most of the time. Of course, lots of times my pride blinds me so it may be a few days, or longer, until I am ready to be rigorously honest with myself.  The next time communications get a little off in a relationship take a time out and ask yourself “what if – I am wrong?” Chances are, if you have the capacity to be honest, you may just see that you are wrong. At the very least it will help you see the world though the other person’s eyes, which will also help in a true realty check. Once we get past the anger, the hurt, the fear and the pride we can be honest and admit to ourselves, to others and to God that we are wrong! Wow, can I be wrong! Sure, I hate to admit it! Yup, sometimes it takes a bit for me to see past my own faults and character defects but thank goodness for God’s grace.

The other tool is the counsel from someone who will be completely honest with you and not just tell you what you want to hear.  There is no healing in having your lies validated.

I am not typing this for anyone but myself. I seriously do ask myself frequently “am I wrong here?” – yet I am sure I need to ask myself more.

I added some new books to my sidebar. All the books or CDs listed in someway have helped me grow. I found “I Ain’t Much, Baby–But I’m All I’ve Got” in a dumpster when I was homeless and it drastically changed my life by teaching me how to be honest.  I added a 12 Step workbook that is amazing and 12 Steps for Adult Children that helped heal the hurts from my childhood.

Don’t let the 12 Steps trick you into thinking these are about recovering from drugs or drinking. The 12 Steps will help you work out whatever your issues are. These books are written for emotional and spiritual healing and are not AA specific.

They are not a substitute for your bible but to augment your daily readings.

Yes I endorse the 12 Steps. There is a lot of controversy because of the statement “a God of your own understanding”. AA and the 12 Steps are bible based and originally founded by the Oxford Group which was a Christian organization. The reason they included the words “own understanding” is because many people at a very young age, me included, were hurt by a church so the thought of religion could be a stumbling block to sobriety.

The true story is that when I was homeless I walked into an AA meeting and it was the very first time I felt unconditional love. What is so very cool is I have been to meetings all over the country, from big cites to small fishing villages, and no matter where the meetings are located that same unconditional love is there without exception. The church could learn a lot from AA.  Just read the The Twelve Traditions - our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion and place principles before personalities - wow!

I don’t speak about it much but I have seen more people find God and get sober in AA then anywhere else I have been. What is simply amazing is that people in AA are taught, from the very beginning, that to change your character you must serve others. But wait, they actually do it as a lifestyle! If you want to see God in action just go sit in on an AA meeting and watch one drunk helping another to stay sober.

So the next time you get upset with someone, even if you think you are right, take a moment, play pretend and ask yourself “what if – I am wrong?”

Being right is not important, doing the right thing is!